Conquer-it-all Ideal

A tall, slender, beautiful and fashionable woman walks across the tree-lined park.  She's dressed in a bright, form flattering dress and nude pumps; her sun-kissed tresses bounce gently on her shoulders as she walks.  She sports a Bugaboo stroller inside of which an adorable round-faced toddler squeals and coos in delight.  She's supposed to sell me some brand of toddler-targeted pureed foods product.  I guess this marketing campaign's idea is that I will believe that if I buy this product I will magically become this 115 pound, magazine ready mom.  

But I know better.  I know that it won't matter if I buy the newest Swiffer cleaning product (even though I do, but more to facilitate picking up Meli hairs on a regular basis), or the latest line of makeup products that is supposed to miraculously erase the imposing dark circles under my eyes, or the baby skin-care products that if I don't buy automatically makes me a neglectful mother.  I know that just because I buy the bathroom cleaner with the little animated scrubbers on the bottle, it doesn't mean they're going to pop off of the bottle and scrub my showers and tubs for me; no matter how much begging and pleading I do.  I know that if I buy the hottest line of running shoes the Nike, Reebok, and Sketchers have to offer; those last 12 pounds are not going to just melt off the minute I put them on.  What's more, I know that just because I buy the Huggies diapers that the baby on my TV seems to be so happy wearing doesn't mean that they'll make my baby happy.  In fact, I know they won't because on more than one occasion the Huggies diapers that we used on Alexcia leaked; oh and their wipes caused her rash to return.  I would recommend that Huggies stop making baby products altogether, but that's just my humble opinion.  So I find myself constantly targeted by these ads, like I somehow need these products to feel like a competent and happy mother and wife.

But the products have nothing to do with that feeling, it's a process.  Motherhood takes some adjusting, some rearranging and juggling- and sometimes, like as of late, no matter how much reorganizing and juggling I do, things still fall through the cracks.  Motherhood is a hands-on education type of experience, and the learning curve is subjective; no amount of Johnson & Johnson products is going to affect that.  But I would be lying if I didn't say that every now and then I catch myself waiting to become the chic, attractive, organized, and pulled-together supermom examples that I see around me.  That I'm still holding on to that ideal I have built in my head; of conquering the demands of keeping my home tidy and clean for Alexcia, of making my baby happy and keeping her safe, of stimulating her and challenging her and nurturing her growth,  of making room for my career, and of finding myself an attractive woman again...

I know I can do it, I know it'll take some restructuring of that ideal but I know I will eventually get there- I just have to find my learning curve, we just have to find our rhythm.  And everyday, one day at a time, we get closer to finding that groove ;)

10 Gallons of Coffee & and IV Hookup Please

Alexcia and I had a rough night last night.  Normally Dad takes the night shift so Mommy can get some rest and recharge for the adventures in store the next day.  However, Dad had stayed home from work the previous day to help me take care of Alexcia because I had been battling a cold bug since the weekend and had been unable to get sufficient rest to fight it, and since I am still trying to breast feed, I was hesitant to take any medication. Anyway, as a result Dad (Alex) was unable to get any work done from home and fell behind on a few deadlines; having to pull an all-nighter, which I did my best to help him with.  In spite of my efforts to both help him with the baby and his work, he didn't sleep and got home early yesterday afternoon exhausted.  He and I had been discussing purchasing the Mamaroo to help me in soothing the baby to sleep during the day so that I could get caught up on housework and my application materials, (in lieu of hiring a part time nanny for now and therefore not affect our wedding funds- plus, more truthfully, give mom a chance to really get used to the idea of someone else taking care of Alexcia part time once I go back to school and give me time to really scrutinize the candidates---But more on that later).  So we made a deal, we would go to Babies R Us to purchase the Mamaroo (this had to be done with Alexcia present so that her highness could test out and approve the Mamaroo), and then upon returning Dad would get to rest and sleep and I would take on the night shift.

Oh boy.  Murphy's Law states that everything that can go wrong will go wrong.  I hate know-it-alls. So Murphy, screw you.  First and foremost, Alexcia fell asleep on Daddy's chest at around 8:40pm, which was fine because that would mean she would wake in an hour hungry, I'd change her diaper, give her a bottle, give her a bath & her massage, and put her to bed (trying to get back to our routine that we had as of yet been unable to get back to). Well, I couldn't have been more wrong; two hours went by and Alexcia was sound asleep; I worried about her sleeping through her feeding so I picked her up to change her diaper, certain that this would wake her. She slept through it without so much as a stir.  I then took her upstairs to prep her for her bath, she began to wake but was very groggy and calm.  During bath time she became more alert and it went on as normal, until the end... She suddenly realized she was hungry and all hell broke loose.  I could not get her out of there, dried, and dressed fast enough.  Luckily, I had the foresight to heat up her bottle before bathing her so it was ready by the time she was out.  After a fussy feeding it was clear we were in for the long haul.  Two hours and four ounces of milk later, I finally got her to settle but not sleep.  I stumbled onto my bed only to wake to her cries, she was hungry again and to top it off her diaper had leaked through her gown and onto her sheet and blanket.  Dad came to my rescue after being woken by her cries while i changed her diaper, wiped her down and put her in dry pjs.  He fed her while i stripped her bed and put a brand new sheet and blanket down.  Which by the way, changing her crib sheet is equally as difficult as doing so for our ridiculous deep-pocket mattress.  Once I was finished and had things under control, or so I thought, Dad went to bed as agreed and I figured I'll burp her, soothe her, and I'll go to sleep.  Dead wrong.  Alexcia had no interest in going to sleep; she wet her diaper four times in a 30 minute span and cried everytime I left the room. I tried everything. Finally, almost three hours later she calmed down, though she did not fall asleep immediately.  Sometime around 6:30ish in the morning she finally fell asleep only to wake up shortly after 8am ready to eat.  Rough night indeed.  So, I have been downing bottle after bottle of Starbucks Mocha Frapps...If I had my way, the pack of Frapps would come with an IV hookup.  I wonder if Costco or Starbucks would welcome the suggestion?

The funny thing is she is now sleeping soundly on my chest, our rough night a distant memory. The house is a disaster, the diaper genie needs to be emptied, the floor needs to be vacuumed and swiffered, the couch, rug & stairs need vacuuming, the trash needs to be emptied, her bottles need washing & sterilizing, laundry needs to be switched out & folded, and all our linens need washing...but none of it matters, because right now, this moment is perfect. I dare not move for fear of disturbing her peaceful slumber and for fear of altering the pureness of this moment.  This moment, when she feels safe enough to drift happily off to sleep in my arms makes all the crazy curve balls and circus juggling worth it, because it makes me feel like I'm doing something right.  And I have to say, as I join the Mom club, I realize I constantly wonder "Am I even doing this right." Which I'm told is normal, but doesn't make it go away.  But these moments, these reassure me that she feels secure and loved- everything else can go to hell.

The Sands of Time...2 months have already flown by

I mean to have begun this blog for our extended family and out of city and state friends as soon as Baby Alexcia arrived, but well, suffice it to say that she had other plans...

As most of you know by now, Alexcia surprised us very much with her early arrival, six weeks to be exact! She began to make her way into this world at 8:05am just one full day after her baby shower (I think she figured her presents were waiting for her and she wanted to see them).  After about 9 and a half hours of non-medicated labor and only about half an hour on the epidural, Alexcia was delivered via emergency c-Section.  We were fortunate enough to not have to worry about her having to be hooked up to a ventilator as she was born breathing on her own straight out of the womb and her lungs were perfectly developed, (her screams in protest upon arrival were proof of that!).  The doctors estimated she would be in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) for at least four months if not the full six weeks until her actual due date.  However, Alexcia proved to once again be on her own schedule.  She was immediately hooked up to a feeding tube to help her eat, however, just two days after birth during what was supposed to be a Kangaroo session (skin to skin contact that is specially beneficial to preemie babies), Alexcia squirmed her way down to mommy's breast and began to suckle away trying to feed! Within less than two weeks her feeding tube was removed as she was exclusively breast and bottle feeding, she gained all of her birth weight back within the first week (normally that takes two weeks at least) and was gaining weight regularly by the second week.  All of this effort on her behalf led to her discharge on August 24th at 7:00pm after only 18 days of NICU stay.  To say that we were overjoyed would be an understatement.

Now here we are a full 2 months and 5 days after her birth and even though it's only been a little over a month since she's been home, those days of traveling to and from the hospital are distant memory.  Now we are enjoying the wide spectrum of emotions and experiences that Alexcia instills in us; from sleepless nights, to the beautiful wide smiles, to the tender gazing sessions, to falling asleep with her on one of our chests after hours of trying to get her to settle, to playful tummy time, to the infamous blowout diapers (which she is exceptionally good at), to cooing conversations, and so much more.  Everyday I am reminded that whatever I thought I knew about Love before Alexcia was pure grasping...I hadn't the slightest clue as to what I was talking about.  It's only been two months but I can't even remember what my life was before her or give it any meaning... I think Alex and I can both agree that she is the best thing that has happened to us and our greatest accomplishment.

It is so surreal to suddenly find that you have this innate strength in you and resilience stemming from such a very special and particular kind of Love...  On Monday, I had to take Alexcia in to the Ped's office for her two month check-up and shots.  I had already taken her  for her second Hep B shot two weeks prior and barely survived that, however, it was no preparation for what was to come.  The doctor and medical assistant reminded me throughout the visit and check up that she would be receiving her shots that day.  And even though both shots (5 vaccinations total given in two shots) were administered within a matter of seconds and Alexcia really only cried as soon as she felt the pain; it was unbearable for me nonetheless.  The way she screamed in pain and her little hand clung to my finger absolutely stripped my strength; with a knot in my throat I promised her that it would be alright and did my best to soothe her (although it turned out afterward, once she fell back asleep within minutes of receiving the shots, that the soothing and promises was really more for me).  

Though there are days when I haven't showered or brushed my teeth, when Alex finds me in the exact same clothes and position that I was in when he left earlier that morning, when there's laundry in the washer that was never transferred to the dryer, or dishes in the sink that never made it to the dishwasher, when poor Meli has only been let out to pee in the front yard in five minute increments, when I haven't gotten more than three bites of food in for the day, when every breast feeding session has been a trying one.... Even on those days she does something that constantly reminds me that it's all worth it; that she's worth it. Because for every frustration that we go through during this adjustment period in which we are trying to find our rhythm, there is a coo, a smile, an expression, a milestone that far surpasses even the finest of diamonds or rarest of gems in value :) 


And so we look forward to this new journey and sharing it with our family and friends.